Things are finally through.
Its been a year and I can think rationally and react normally.
Little things, like being able to see attraction. Being able to talk comfortably to someone I'm interested in and having a normal conversation. The last girl I was with, the only one in nearly a year and a half, opened all these emotions. I've never met anyone that i was so instantly comfortable and at ease with.
Kind of overwhelming, I got scared of losing things and kind of ruined it by not being able to just relax. But lesson learned.
I will always look on that as the best time of my life, she really changed things.
I feel like I have a normal life now. I can go out and make it however it needs to be.
Thats a really great thing.
Very glad I have that now.
Not sure how much more I need to update this, but its been helpful to get through things.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Chapter 7
Over it.
The medication is going strong, taking it at night now because it was really messing me up in the day.
Things are good. Getting on with my life.
Just need to keep taking these pills for a long time...
woo.
The medication is going strong, taking it at night now because it was really messing me up in the day.
Things are good. Getting on with my life.
Just need to keep taking these pills for a long time...
woo.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Chapter 6
Finally I can see some real progress!!!
For the first time this isn’t just being able to manage my emotions. It is being able to look back on my behavior and recognize that it was wrong. I thought that I could understand it before... but I honestly couldn't. This has been the first real moment of clarity in a long time, and I'm trying as hard as I can to hold on to it.
I was told that when I spoke to people it would only bring them down… I finally see why.
Before I had no idea, when I was told this I was just confused. I couldn’t figure out why, I couldn’t think of what would bring them down or why I was hard to talk to…
This disease has been the hardest, most damaging, and most emotionally scarring thing I have EVER had to deal with. It has been more than 15 years of living with this and only now am I starting to see a break in the fog…
This is a very painfully slow process.
But showing some signs of change is encouraging…
For the first time this isn’t just being able to manage my emotions. It is being able to look back on my behavior and recognize that it was wrong. I thought that I could understand it before... but I honestly couldn't. This has been the first real moment of clarity in a long time, and I'm trying as hard as I can to hold on to it.
I was told that when I spoke to people it would only bring them down… I finally see why.
Before I had no idea, when I was told this I was just confused. I couldn’t figure out why, I couldn’t think of what would bring them down or why I was hard to talk to…
This disease has been the hardest, most damaging, and most emotionally scarring thing I have EVER had to deal with. It has been more than 15 years of living with this and only now am I starting to see a break in the fog…
This is a very painfully slow process.
But showing some signs of change is encouraging…
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Chapter 5
100mg
So everything has leveled out.
I can think rationally and distance myself from my feelings. More than that I can understand how I was acting, and come to terms with it. The medication is going strong, I haven't had any panic or real low points.
Still not 100 percent all the time, but I'm on the way.
Things are going as close to "normal" as I think they can be.
I haven't felt the urge to write anything, which is a little off putting.
Although considering the alternative, I think that for the time being I can let it go.
Now I can start the process of re-building, trying to get my life back together. This had made me realize just how important people are in my life, and I really hope that I can mean as much to them again as they mean to me.
Still moving slowly, but still forward.
so at least that's something.
So everything has leveled out.
I can think rationally and distance myself from my feelings. More than that I can understand how I was acting, and come to terms with it. The medication is going strong, I haven't had any panic or real low points.
Still not 100 percent all the time, but I'm on the way.
Things are going as close to "normal" as I think they can be.
I haven't felt the urge to write anything, which is a little off putting.
Although considering the alternative, I think that for the time being I can let it go.
Now I can start the process of re-building, trying to get my life back together. This had made me realize just how important people are in my life, and I really hope that I can mean as much to them again as they mean to me.
Still moving slowly, but still forward.
so at least that's something.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Chapter 4
This is still hard.
Last night I started having panic attacks that kept happening well into this morning.
I can't really explain whats happening, it's very confusing.
Something is missing in my life, but I can't find what.
I still feel like a failure.
good times.
Last night I started having panic attacks that kept happening well into this morning.
I can't really explain whats happening, it's very confusing.
Something is missing in my life, but I can't find what.
I still feel like a failure.
good times.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Chapter Three
I am probably as close to what you could call normal as I've been in years.
I can think rationally, there have been no real emotional spikes...
and things have been going well. Beau came in from Calgary for a visit.
It was nice to feel that I'm not as detached from my old life as I thought.
My feelings haven't really changed, I still think about things in the same way, but the medication is making them easier to deal with. The intense flood of emotions is over, thankfully. It was really overwhelming. Only a month ago I couldn't think at all, my brain was all over the place. I couldn't handle things, and was lashing out on impulses.
The worst part was that when I was in one of these episodes,
I couldn't think any other way. I couldn't recognize that they were happening,
and it was probably one of the worst times of my life.
Things are getting better.
It's been hard though.
I can think rationally, there have been no real emotional spikes...
and things have been going well. Beau came in from Calgary for a visit.
It was nice to feel that I'm not as detached from my old life as I thought.
My feelings haven't really changed, I still think about things in the same way, but the medication is making them easier to deal with. The intense flood of emotions is over, thankfully. It was really overwhelming. Only a month ago I couldn't think at all, my brain was all over the place. I couldn't handle things, and was lashing out on impulses.
The worst part was that when I was in one of these episodes,
I couldn't think any other way. I couldn't recognize that they were happening,
and it was probably one of the worst times of my life.
Things are getting better.
It's been hard though.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Chapter Two
Moved up to 50mg today.
Things are really strange, this is not the wonder cure that I had hoped for. I am still working through feelings that I repressed from nearly 10 years ago. This is a very difficult time for me, conflicting emotions are popping up all the time. I can try and deal with them, but they are really getting me down. It's incredibly hard not to let them get on top of me, but I am trying as hard as I can to keep positive.
I am only a week into this, and I had hoped for more change. I can think fairly rationally now, but I'm tired all the time. If I drink coffee I have insomnia, If I don't I'm falling asleep, I have headaches most of the time.
A lot of things have changed, but my feelings stay the same. I miss having Beth in my life. Not in a romantic sense, just having here there. Just knowing that I could call her and she would answer, and be happy to speak to me. That meant more than anything else ever has. I hope that I can get my life in order, so that things might be normal again.
I don't feel like a failure anymore.
I just feel like I'm not really living in this city,
that I'm just existing here.
Going through the motions.
Looking for answers to a question that hasn't been asked.
I'm really confused right now.
but it's another day...
-Ewan
Things are really strange, this is not the wonder cure that I had hoped for. I am still working through feelings that I repressed from nearly 10 years ago. This is a very difficult time for me, conflicting emotions are popping up all the time. I can try and deal with them, but they are really getting me down. It's incredibly hard not to let them get on top of me, but I am trying as hard as I can to keep positive.
I am only a week into this, and I had hoped for more change. I can think fairly rationally now, but I'm tired all the time. If I drink coffee I have insomnia, If I don't I'm falling asleep, I have headaches most of the time.
A lot of things have changed, but my feelings stay the same. I miss having Beth in my life. Not in a romantic sense, just having here there. Just knowing that I could call her and she would answer, and be happy to speak to me. That meant more than anything else ever has. I hope that I can get my life in order, so that things might be normal again.
I don't feel like a failure anymore.
I just feel like I'm not really living in this city,
that I'm just existing here.
Going through the motions.
Looking for answers to a question that hasn't been asked.
I'm really confused right now.
but it's another day...
-Ewan
Monday, February 9, 2009
Chapter 1.1
I don't know where all this anger is coming from.
I feel pissed off most of the time. I feel like I wasted my life, I see all the feelings that I have laid out in front of me. I see people that I cared about, doing the same things in their relationships that made me feel so shitty. I lost a lot of respect for a lot of people this week.
I'm not comfortable with my life.
I feel pissed off most of the time. I feel like I wasted my life, I see all the feelings that I have laid out in front of me. I see people that I cared about, doing the same things in their relationships that made me feel so shitty. I lost a lot of respect for a lot of people this week.
I'm not comfortable with my life.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Chapter One
This has been really strange for me.
The euphoria of the first day is gone, I get hit with these waves of motivation. I was in class on saturday and couldn't sit still. I had to keep going, had to get out of there and do something. I ended up taking a walk around the building... I only had 4 hours sleep the previous night and last night my mind was mashed up. I had a dull headache and was getting mad at everything. Out of sorts more than anything, I was getting pissed off about things that had happened 10 years ago. Things that I should have been mad at the time about but suppressed, now I was feeling all that anger and resentment when I thought about them. It is controllable, I still need an outlet.
Went off at the show last night, needed a release. On the ride home I could barely lift my head, I had to walk my bike up the hill because my neck was too sore to support anything. I was afraid of crashing into something.
I figured out why it was so hard for me to deal with this breakup.
Feeling needed was the thing in my life that made me feel better, and more important than anything else. Like I finally had purpose, it was the most masculine I have ever felt in my life.
To lose that, and to think that she didn't need me anymore, was like losing the one experience in my life that had shaped my self esteem and defined my worth.
There was no question of the motives behind feeling like that, it was completely selfless.
I loved being there for someone, being relied on.
I want that more than anything again, just to be someone to call.
Someone to talk to.
To think that she has someone else to take that place kills me.
Things might not have always worked out, but I loved her more than anything.
I always will.
The euphoria of the first day is gone, I get hit with these waves of motivation. I was in class on saturday and couldn't sit still. I had to keep going, had to get out of there and do something. I ended up taking a walk around the building... I only had 4 hours sleep the previous night and last night my mind was mashed up. I had a dull headache and was getting mad at everything. Out of sorts more than anything, I was getting pissed off about things that had happened 10 years ago. Things that I should have been mad at the time about but suppressed, now I was feeling all that anger and resentment when I thought about them. It is controllable, I still need an outlet.
Went off at the show last night, needed a release. On the ride home I could barely lift my head, I had to walk my bike up the hill because my neck was too sore to support anything. I was afraid of crashing into something.
I figured out why it was so hard for me to deal with this breakup.
Feeling needed was the thing in my life that made me feel better, and more important than anything else. Like I finally had purpose, it was the most masculine I have ever felt in my life.
To lose that, and to think that she didn't need me anymore, was like losing the one experience in my life that had shaped my self esteem and defined my worth.
There was no question of the motives behind feeling like that, it was completely selfless.
I loved being there for someone, being relied on.
I want that more than anything again, just to be someone to call.
Someone to talk to.
To think that she has someone else to take that place kills me.
Things might not have always worked out, but I loved her more than anything.
I always will.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Introduction 1.1
It's been 15 hours now since the first one.
I went for an amazing ride today, felt fantastic.
Shorts in the rain, felt very alive.
I have noticed that my appetite is back, I am motivated, and have this lust for life.
Things are still very raw and real, the triggers that I have had are still there. The lows are nearly level, I still feel sadness. But I am thinking rationally, finally. I am still thinking creatively, which was what I was the most afraid of losing. I am excited for a new day, excited for a lie in finally, and I've started planning my days...
I'm not just passively drifting through my life anymore.
I have spirit, and feel like I have purpose...if that makes sense.
I was listening to my headphones long enough today that I forgot I had them on, and for a second I thought the music was in the air.
It was beautiful, I loved seeing part of a day come together like that. Things were all in sync and for a brief second I felt in tune with the world. Like I had my place in it, and that moment had meaning.
I am seeing beauty in life, and all the scattered random emotions have focus. They are controllable, and I am able to rationally deal with them.
I only hope that this medication doesn't turn on me,
because things are looking up.
I would like them to keep going that way...
I am starting to live again, and I miss you...
-ewan
I went for an amazing ride today, felt fantastic.
Shorts in the rain, felt very alive.
I have noticed that my appetite is back, I am motivated, and have this lust for life.
Things are still very raw and real, the triggers that I have had are still there. The lows are nearly level, I still feel sadness. But I am thinking rationally, finally. I am still thinking creatively, which was what I was the most afraid of losing. I am excited for a new day, excited for a lie in finally, and I've started planning my days...
I'm not just passively drifting through my life anymore.
I have spirit, and feel like I have purpose...if that makes sense.
I was listening to my headphones long enough today that I forgot I had them on, and for a second I thought the music was in the air.
It was beautiful, I loved seeing part of a day come together like that. Things were all in sync and for a brief second I felt in tune with the world. Like I had my place in it, and that moment had meaning.
I am seeing beauty in life, and all the scattered random emotions have focus. They are controllable, and I am able to rationally deal with them.
I only hope that this medication doesn't turn on me,
because things are looking up.
I would like them to keep going that way...
I am starting to live again, and I miss you...
-ewan
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Introduction
Day one,
It's been 3 hours since the first one. Don't feel all that different. I feel much more motivated, and am having trouble sitting here typing this when I should be running out to work... so thats good.
Things seem to be kind of even, I don't know if that's me or the medication...
Little twinges of doubt, but they are short lived. Things are actually going pretty well today. Couple ballups at work, but nothing that was my fault or could have been prevented.
Building a bike after work and getting my house in order...
I'll see what happens, but there hasn't been a drastic change.
So far things are good.
My mind is still like a faucet,
I need to know when to filter things out.
Think things through, then do them.
25mg.
-Ewan
It's been 3 hours since the first one. Don't feel all that different. I feel much more motivated, and am having trouble sitting here typing this when I should be running out to work... so thats good.
Things seem to be kind of even, I don't know if that's me or the medication...
Little twinges of doubt, but they are short lived. Things are actually going pretty well today. Couple ballups at work, but nothing that was my fault or could have been prevented.
Building a bike after work and getting my house in order...
I'll see what happens, but there hasn't been a drastic change.
So far things are good.
My mind is still like a faucet,
I need to know when to filter things out.
Think things through, then do them.
25mg.
-Ewan
Prologue
Tomorrow is day one.
I have an overwhelming irrational fear that this will erase my personality. That who I am and everything that I value will somehow be skewed and distorted. The periods of feeling normal are more frequent now, and when things are alright I am questioning the decision to even go through with this...
Then there are waves of depression, little snaps of panic... and even more damaging and irrational thoughts occur. I am worried and scared at what the medication might do... I have spent my whole life feeling numb, the last thing I want is to feel nothing again.
I want to have a baseline, to be able to trust my thoughts consistently. Everything that I have said I have felt, whether I meant how it came out is a different story. The episodes cloud my thinking, and it has been impossible for me to think objectively when I'm in one... It becomes all I know and all I feel, it envelopes me and takes over my senses. I am slowly learning to control these impulses. I couldn't have asked for a better way of dealing with this than by having people to talk to...
Just getting my mind focused on other things helps more than anyone will ever know.
It has been selfish of me, I know that. I have been selfish in the past, but that is the nature of this... It turns focus inward, and makes it nearly impossible to see anything else...
Who knows what will happen tomorrow,
I am scared,
I am excited,
and I am incredibly nervous about things...
-Ewan
"Blow Up your mind."
{THE CRAMPS}
I'm gonna get insane.
Blow up my mind.
Lightnin' bolt my brain.
Turn into Frankenstein.
Put on a party dress.
Jack off 'til I'm blind.
Clean up the mess with Turpentine.
Nevermind mankind.
Leave it all behind.
Blow up your mind.
Blow up your mind.
Like them mummy pharaohs.
Over in the med.
Wrap up my clothes.
And blow up my head.
Dynamite or acid?
Highbrow or hybrid?
Forsee the forbidden.
Blow the lid off your ID.
Are you a little too healthy?
Drink some bad wine.
Trap some bats in your belfry.
And blow up your mind.
No more static in the attic.
Get erratic instead.
Get real acrobatic.
And land on your head.
I have an overwhelming irrational fear that this will erase my personality. That who I am and everything that I value will somehow be skewed and distorted. The periods of feeling normal are more frequent now, and when things are alright I am questioning the decision to even go through with this...
Then there are waves of depression, little snaps of panic... and even more damaging and irrational thoughts occur. I am worried and scared at what the medication might do... I have spent my whole life feeling numb, the last thing I want is to feel nothing again.
I want to have a baseline, to be able to trust my thoughts consistently. Everything that I have said I have felt, whether I meant how it came out is a different story. The episodes cloud my thinking, and it has been impossible for me to think objectively when I'm in one... It becomes all I know and all I feel, it envelopes me and takes over my senses. I am slowly learning to control these impulses. I couldn't have asked for a better way of dealing with this than by having people to talk to...
Just getting my mind focused on other things helps more than anyone will ever know.
It has been selfish of me, I know that. I have been selfish in the past, but that is the nature of this... It turns focus inward, and makes it nearly impossible to see anything else...
Who knows what will happen tomorrow,
I am scared,
I am excited,
and I am incredibly nervous about things...
-Ewan
"Blow Up your mind."
{THE CRAMPS}
I'm gonna get insane.
Blow up my mind.
Lightnin' bolt my brain.
Turn into Frankenstein.
Put on a party dress.
Jack off 'til I'm blind.
Clean up the mess with Turpentine.
Nevermind mankind.
Leave it all behind.
Blow up your mind.
Blow up your mind.
Like them mummy pharaohs.
Over in the med.
Wrap up my clothes.
And blow up my head.
Dynamite or acid?
Highbrow or hybrid?
Forsee the forbidden.
Blow the lid off your ID.
Are you a little too healthy?
Drink some bad wine.
Trap some bats in your belfry.
And blow up your mind.
No more static in the attic.
Get erratic instead.
Get real acrobatic.
And land on your head.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Catharsis
I have lived my entire life with depression.
I only noticed the problem a few months ago...
The problem with things like this is that I felt that there was a problem with who I was, and I liked myself. It was so hard to admit that there was something wrong. I now know that it was a part of me, not all of me that had a problem.
I hope that I can be forgiven by those I've hurt, and thank everyone that has understood. Depression has taken away everything that I had once enjoyed, it has clouded my memory, and shut down my emotions.
It has effected my work,
my family,
and my life.
It has alienated the only person that I felt truly loved and needed by.
It has pushed me very close to suicide, very often.
I am getting help, this is not for attention.
This is solely for myself.
Just to catalogue how things are changing in my life.
On wednesday I start taking antidepressants, Today I have flashes of calm, and flashes of depression. The lows are crippling, almost un-bearable. They come on fast and leave slowly, I want to lash out and destroy. I want to have some sort of outlet to make the world look as ugly and damaged as I feel.
Then calm, empathy and understanding.
I know how hard she tried to be with me, and I couldn't see it. I wanted more than anything to be with her for the rest of my life, but couldn't find the way to say it.
Now my life is lost to regret, and self loathing.
More than anything I want to know that it mattered, that I meant something.
That I won't just be forgotten.
If I had something to hold on to it wouldn't be so impossible to let go.
For the first time in my life I'm feeling something more than detached and dead inside. The comfort and love that I once had means the world to me, I can never forget. You were everything to me, and a part of you always will be.
-Ewan
I only noticed the problem a few months ago...
The problem with things like this is that I felt that there was a problem with who I was, and I liked myself. It was so hard to admit that there was something wrong. I now know that it was a part of me, not all of me that had a problem.
I hope that I can be forgiven by those I've hurt, and thank everyone that has understood. Depression has taken away everything that I had once enjoyed, it has clouded my memory, and shut down my emotions.
It has effected my work,
my family,
and my life.
It has alienated the only person that I felt truly loved and needed by.
It has pushed me very close to suicide, very often.
I am getting help, this is not for attention.
This is solely for myself.
Just to catalogue how things are changing in my life.
On wednesday I start taking antidepressants, Today I have flashes of calm, and flashes of depression. The lows are crippling, almost un-bearable. They come on fast and leave slowly, I want to lash out and destroy. I want to have some sort of outlet to make the world look as ugly and damaged as I feel.
Then calm, empathy and understanding.
I know how hard she tried to be with me, and I couldn't see it. I wanted more than anything to be with her for the rest of my life, but couldn't find the way to say it.
Now my life is lost to regret, and self loathing.
More than anything I want to know that it mattered, that I meant something.
That I won't just be forgotten.
If I had something to hold on to it wouldn't be so impossible to let go.
For the first time in my life I'm feeling something more than detached and dead inside. The comfort and love that I once had means the world to me, I can never forget. You were everything to me, and a part of you always will be.
-Ewan
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