Chapter One

This has been really strange for me.
The euphoria of the first day is gone, I get hit with these waves of motivation. I was in class on saturday and couldn't sit still. I had to keep going, had to get out of there and do something. I ended up taking a walk around the building... I only had 4 hours sleep the previous night and last night my mind was mashed up. I had a dull headache and was getting mad at everything. Out of sorts more than anything, I was getting pissed off about things that had happened 10 years ago. Things that I should have been mad at the time about but suppressed, now I was feeling all that anger and resentment when I thought about them. It is controllable, I still need an outlet.
Went off at the show last night, needed a release. On the ride home I could barely lift my head, I had to walk my bike up the hill because my neck was too sore to support anything. I was afraid of crashing into something.

I figured out why it was so hard for me to deal with this breakup.
Feeling needed was the thing in my life that made me feel better, and more important than anything else. Like I finally had purpose, it was the most masculine I have ever felt in my life.
To lose that, and to think that she didn't need me anymore, was like losing the one experience in my life that had shaped my self esteem and defined my worth.
There was no question of the motives behind feeling like that, it was completely selfless.

I loved being there for someone, being relied on.
I want that more than anything again, just to be someone to call.
Someone to talk to.

To think that she has someone else to take that place kills me.
Things might not have always worked out, but I loved her more than anything.
I always will.