Prologue

Tomorrow is day one.

I have an overwhelming irrational fear that this will erase my personality. That who I am and everything that I value will somehow be skewed and distorted. The periods of feeling normal are more frequent now, and when things are alright I am questioning the decision to even go through with this...

Then there are waves of depression, little snaps of panic... and even more damaging and irrational thoughts occur. I am worried and scared at what the medication might do... I have spent my whole life feeling numb, the last thing I want is to feel nothing again.

I want to have a baseline, to be able to trust my thoughts consistently. Everything that I have said I have felt, whether I meant how it came out is a different story. The episodes cloud my thinking, and it has been impossible for me to think objectively when I'm in one... It becomes all I know and all I feel, it envelopes me and takes over my senses. I am slowly learning to control these impulses. I couldn't have asked for a better way of dealing with this than by having people to talk to...

Just getting my mind focused on other things helps more than anyone will ever know.

It has been selfish of me, I know that. I have been selfish in the past, but that is the nature of this... It turns focus inward, and makes it nearly impossible to see anything else...

Who knows what will happen tomorrow,
I am scared,
I am excited,
and I am incredibly nervous about things...

-Ewan


"Blow Up your mind."
{THE CRAMPS}

I'm gonna get insane.
Blow up my mind.
Lightnin' bolt my brain.
Turn into Frankenstein.
Put on a party dress.
Jack off 'til I'm blind.
Clean up the mess with Turpentine.
Nevermind mankind.
Leave it all behind.
Blow up your mind.
Blow up your mind.
Like them mummy pharaohs.
Over in the med.
Wrap up my clothes.
And blow up my head.
Dynamite or acid?
Highbrow or hybrid?
Forsee the forbidden.
Blow the lid off your ID.
Are you a little too healthy?
Drink some bad wine.
Trap some bats in your belfry.
And blow up your mind.
No more static in the attic.
Get erratic instead.
Get real acrobatic.
And land on your head.