Catharsis

I have lived my entire life with depression.
I only noticed the problem a few months ago...


The problem with things like this is that I felt that there was a problem with who I was, and I liked myself. It was so hard to admit that there was something wrong. I now know that it was a part of me, not all of me that had a problem.
I hope that I can be forgiven by those I've hurt, and thank everyone that has understood. Depression has taken away everything that I had once enjoyed, it has clouded my memory, and shut down my emotions.
It has effected my work,
my family,
and my life.
It has alienated the only person that I felt truly loved and needed by.
It has pushed me very close to suicide, very often.

I am getting help, this is not for attention.
This is solely for myself.
Just to catalogue how things are changing in my life.

On wednesday I start taking antidepressants, Today I have flashes of calm, and flashes of depression. The lows are crippling, almost un-bearable. They come on fast and leave slowly, I want to lash out and destroy. I want to have some sort of outlet to make the world look as ugly and damaged as I feel.
Then calm, empathy and understanding.
I know how hard she tried to be with me, and I couldn't see it. I wanted more than anything to be with her for the rest of my life, but couldn't find the way to say it.
Now my life is lost to regret, and self loathing.
More than anything I want to know that it mattered, that I meant something.
That I won't just be forgotten.

If I had something to hold on to it wouldn't be so impossible to let go.

For the first time in my life I'm feeling something more than detached and dead inside. The comfort and love that I once had means the world to me, I can never forget. You were everything to me, and a part of you always will be.

-Ewan