Chapter 8

Things are finally through.

Its been a year and I can think rationally and react normally.
Little things, like being able to see attraction. Being able to talk comfortably to someone I'm interested in and having a normal conversation. The last girl I was with, the only one in nearly a year and a half, opened all these emotions. I've never met anyone that i was so instantly comfortable and at ease with.
Kind of overwhelming, I got scared of losing things and kind of ruined it by not being able to just relax. But lesson learned.
I will always look on that as the best time of my life, she really changed things.

I feel like I have a normal life now. I can go out and make it however it needs to be.

Thats a really great thing.
Very glad I have that now.

Not sure how much more I need to update this, but its been helpful to get through things.

Chapter 7

Over it.

The medication is going strong, taking it at night now because it was really messing me up in the day.

Things are good. Getting on with my life.
Just need to keep taking these pills for a long time...

woo.

Chapter 6

Finally I can see some real progress!!!

For the first time this isn’t just being able to manage my emotions. It is being able to look back on my behavior and recognize that it was wrong. I thought that I could understand it before... but I honestly couldn't. This has been the first real moment of clarity in a long time, and I'm trying as hard as I can to hold on to it.

I was told that when I spoke to people it would only bring them down… I finally see why.

Before I had no idea, when I was told this I was just confused. I couldn’t figure out why, I couldn’t think of what would bring them down or why I was hard to talk to…

This disease has been the hardest, most damaging, and most emotionally scarring thing I have EVER had to deal with. It has been more than 15 years of living with this and only now am I starting to see a break in the fog…

This is a very painfully slow process.

But showing some signs of change is encouraging…

Chapter 5

100mg

So everything has leveled out.

I can think rationally and distance myself from my feelings. More than that I can understand how I was acting, and come to terms with it. The medication is going strong, I haven't had any panic or real low points.

Still not 100 percent all the time, but I'm on the way.
Things are going as close to "normal" as I think they can be.

I haven't felt the urge to write anything, which is a little off putting.
Although considering the alternative, I think that for the time being I can let it go.

Now I can start the process of re-building, trying to get my life back together. This had made me realize just how important people are in my life, and I really hope that I can mean as much to them again as they mean to me.

Still moving slowly, but still forward.
so at least that's something.

Chapter 4

This is still hard.

Last night I started having panic attacks that kept happening well into this morning.

I can't really explain whats happening, it's very confusing.
Something is missing in my life, but I can't find what.

I still feel like a failure.



good times.

Chapter Three

I am probably as close to what you could call normal as I've been in years.

I can think rationally, there have been no real emotional spikes...
and things have been going well. Beau came in from Calgary for a visit.
It was nice to feel that I'm not as detached from my old life as I thought.

My feelings haven't really changed, I still think about things in the same way, but the medication is making them easier to deal with. The intense flood of emotions is over, thankfully. It was really overwhelming. Only a month ago I couldn't think at all, my brain was all over the place. I couldn't handle things, and was lashing out on impulses.

The worst part was that when I was in one of these episodes,
I couldn't think any other way. I couldn't recognize that they were happening,
and it was probably one of the worst times of my life.

Things are getting better.
It's been hard though.

Chapter Two

Moved up to 50mg today.

Things are really strange, this is not the wonder cure that I had hoped for. I am still working through feelings that I repressed from nearly 10 years ago. This is a very difficult time for me, conflicting emotions are popping up all the time. I can try and deal with them, but they are really getting me down. It's incredibly hard not to let them get on top of me, but I am trying as hard as I can to keep positive.

I am only a week into this, and I had hoped for more change. I can think fairly rationally now, but I'm tired all the time. If I drink coffee I have insomnia, If I don't I'm falling asleep, I have headaches most of the time.

A lot of things have changed, but my feelings stay the same. I miss having Beth in my life. Not in a romantic sense, just having here there. Just knowing that I could call her and she would answer, and be happy to speak to me. That meant more than anything else ever has. I hope that I can get my life in order, so that things might be normal again.

I don't feel like a failure anymore.
I just feel like I'm not really living in this city,
that I'm just existing here.

Going through the motions.
Looking for answers to a question that hasn't been asked.

I'm really confused right now.

but it's another day...

-Ewan